Black cuts out the sky, oxygen tank, free refills, this is me trying to stretch reality, into what, why, spin in circles like a child, this is a game of chess with meth addicts and southern belles and do you see the shadows, do you take a vitamin C daily? Maybe you should, what is the worst that could happen, let’s not answer that question, instead I preach of beauty and ugly and everything in between, I am scared to listen to my voicemails, I wish I had signed up for flag football, I like competition, it is so defined, there are rules a winner and a loser, I like to win, you’re not listening, what else is new? Send me ten thousand dollars then we will see, I have an opinion on everything and I do not back down, arguing is stupid but I like to formulate convincing evidence, and pace and chain smoke, as if I could actually believe in what I am saying, Las Vegas, little Chinese take out places, with the dollar or dollar ninety nine hot and sour soup, I want to sell most of what I own, any takers? No seriously, I have some neat stuff, yes this is now a classified ad, what you going to do about it? I do not know my own body, I get skinny, I get fat, I do not really notice, It does not matter, what do you do when you are so alone there is a fifty fifty chance you might not get back on your feet again, like Ricky Hatton after Manny Pacquiao threw that beautiful left? I like Manny, he is a kind soft gentleman, I like him a lot, and Freddy Roache, he is amazing too.
Anyways when you get that alone you don’t just die or think about what the person who left is doing right then, they are always being touched, they are always really enjoying it. Well besides the large amount of pills, I started building computers, I was working full time and would spend my money on motherboards and video cards and special thermal paste to conduct heat from the CPU to the CPU cooler, made out of copper, then you have to take into account air flow, then I learned how to over lock everything, cranking the voltage, monitoring temperatures, it made sense to me, it got my mind off you, no one said this was going to be pretty, no keep laughing this is suppose to be funny, laughing is good, tell me a joke, but it made me think of growing up, how my father thought I was lazy and going in the wrong direction because I didn’t really want to have any friends, and I didn’t get excited when he showed me hot to change oil, tires, spark plugs, it just didn’t make sense to me, I felt really weak, I didn’t to anything that well, I was not manly, had trouble looking people in the eye, like to not wash my hair, wear black and sleep as long as I possibly could, no I didn’t have to stare at my shoes when I was in bed, I was finally comfortable. Anyways I guess I never really had hobbies, other than video games, but when you are that broken, that bruised, leaking blood everywhere you go you have to do something, you have to learn the details of the details, spend hours, days, months, perfecting, breaking it, to put it back together, you do not feel any better, but one day you will realise you did not die, you realise you were to blame, it is never too late to make up for everything you did wrong to the people you cared about the most. I know, it happens, it’s confusing, just start by saying you are sorry, if they hang up on you, call them a little while later, maybe a week, maybe a year, and say “I’m sorry,”
Sometimes you are lucky and eventually they answer back in a bitter, pissed off voice, “You should be.”