I want to be f r e e

What I would give to fall asleep in your arms

just one last time

You will never love him the way I do

She listened when no one was there

She cheered me up when I was sad

She was my partner in crime

I'll never forget her

I'll love her forever

f o r e v e r and e v e r

Why don't you see me the way I see you...

c r a v e

Tell me again of afternoon friends

of square tables in gardens round

Of shattered stars that dare not cry

Washing teased by yesterday rain

And breaking sunlight by

and I will draw you of yourself

and paint this ceiling blue

I will cast this echo back

and I-

I will love you

I used to get lost

in your eyes

I miss him more than anything

Funny how when something you love is gone

it is then that you actually realize how much you loved them

And how you would do anything just to have one more moment with them

I want to go somewhere I've never been before

With people I don't know

I need to get out of here

I'm tired of pretending i'm happy

. . .

You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

RIP

We can lose our love just to re find it

Hooray for me

& fuck you.

And if it's alright,

I'll lie awake at night

pretending I am curled up at your side

I'll do anything to be happy

Please don't kiss me so sweet

it makes me crave

a thousand kisses to follow

There was this woman, and she was flying on an aeroplane.

She was flying to meet her fiance

sailing high above the largest ocean on planet earth.

She was seated next to this man who

she tried to start conversations

the only thing she heard him say was

Bloody Mary

and she's sitting there reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country

that she couldn't pronounce the name of.

She's feeling very bored and despondent.

And then, suddenly there was a huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out.

They started just falling 30,000 feet

The pilots on the microphone and he's saying

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry oh my god I'm sorry"

and apologizing

and she looks at the man and she says

"Where are we going?"

And he looks at her and he says

"We're going to a party, it's a birthday party, it's your birthday party, happy birthday darlin', we love you very, very, very, very, VERY much."

And then he starts humming this little tune and it kind of goes a little like this

One, two

One, two, three, four

I'm just trying to help

He was magical and serious

and he stole my heart away

I'll wait here for you forever

as long as it takes.

I can't forget, and I never will.

You smiled at me, and from nothing, something came.

Now the world is new to me again.

I will remember, still you smiled at me

and now I dream,

a dream of good.

This morning I woke up and then I got dressed and did all the things you do all day, everyday.

Worrying and then not giving a damn.

Feeling scared and then feeling brave and then feeling scared again.

All the different emotions you feel everyday you really only share with yourself.

But then for the first time ever, I felt completely alone.

I mean totally on my own.

I mean, what I really mean I can't easily describe except that in here,

in this thing called me, there is just me.

All alone, and it just isn't enough.

Someone can help me and reassure me and talk to me and care for me and to think of me but they can't come inside of me and be me with me.

All the time I feel so alone.
Don't you?

Tell me it just isn't me because if it is just me as I suspect then I think I really must be going mad.

All the things that I do all day are only distractions to keep me from remembering this awful truth.

I can't do this, I really can't.

I can't tell you or myself what I am thinking, it's too awful to even think about.

Even now as I type my hands are trembling.

I can't even type what I have to type to get it out of my brain to put it onto this screen to let it out somehow.

Because I know that it really is just only me.... Alone

There are so many butterflies

and so many,

so many illusions of change

That the colour of my wings

now confuse the flight

The other day

outside our window

the sky was white and the clouds

blue

Indifferent,

slightly bitter,

independant

and through out recumbent honesty

we discovered why we sometimes cry

and why inside

the clouds aren't always white

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you.

I will be seeing you soon
& it will be better than anything else

I don't care about the god damn fireworks,
I just like being with you

Black cuts out the sky, oxygen tank, free refills, this is me trying to stretch reality, into what, why, spin in circles like a child, this is a game of chess with meth addicts and southern belles and do you see the shadows, do you take a vitamin C daily? Maybe you should, what is the worst that could happen, let’s not answer that question, instead I preach of beauty and ugly and everything in between, I am scared to listen to my voicemails, I wish I had signed up for flag football, I like competition, it is so defined, there are rules a winner and a loser, I like to win, you’re not listening, what else is new? Send me ten thousand dollars then we will see, I have an opinion on everything and I do not back down, arguing is stupid but I like to formulate convincing evidence, and pace and chain smoke, as if I could actually believe in what I am saying, Las Vegas, little Chinese take out places, with the dollar or dollar ninety nine hot and sour soup, I want to sell most of what I own, any takers? No seriously, I have some neat stuff, yes this is now a classified ad, what you going to do about it? I do not know my own body, I get skinny, I get fat, I do not really notice, It does not matter, what do you do when you are so alone there is a fifty fifty chance you might not get back on your feet again, like Ricky Hatton after Manny Pacquiao threw that beautiful left? I like Manny, he is a kind soft gentleman, I like him a lot, and Freddy Roache, he is amazing too.
Anyways when you get that alone you don’t just die or think about what the person who left is doing right then, they are always being touched, they are always really enjoying it. Well besides the large amount of pills, I started building computers, I was working full time and would spend my money on motherboards and video cards and special thermal paste to conduct heat from the CPU to the CPU cooler, made out of copper, then you have to take into account air flow, then I learned how to over lock everything, cranking the voltage, monitoring temperatures, it made sense to me, it got my mind off you, no one said this was going to be pretty, no keep laughing this is suppose to be funny, laughing is good, tell me a joke, but it made me think of growing up, how my father thought I was lazy and going in the wrong direction because I didn’t really want to have any friends, and I didn’t get excited when he showed me hot to change oil, tires, spark plugs, it just didn’t make sense to me, I felt really weak, I didn’t to anything that well, I was not manly, had trouble looking people in the eye, like to not wash my hair, wear black and sleep as long as I possibly could, no I didn’t have to stare at my shoes when I was in bed, I was finally comfortable. Anyways I guess I never really had hobbies, other than video games, but when you are that broken, that bruised, leaking blood everywhere you go you have to do something, you have to learn the details of the details, spend hours, days, months, perfecting, breaking it, to put it back together, you do not feel any better, but one day you will realise you did not die, you realise you were to blame, it is never too late to make up for everything you did wrong to the people you cared about the most. I know, it happens, it’s confusing, just start by saying you are sorry, if they hang up on you, call them a little while later, maybe a week, maybe a year, and say “I’m sorry,”
Sometimes you are lucky and eventually they answer back in a bitter, pissed off voice, “You should be.”

Okay, angel.
Good morning, yes mam, yes sir.
You black out the sky then we pick flowers, bought you a bathing suit, for all my addictions, all my bad habits, you shine through, you make me so guilty, I am crying over spilt milk and you are the life we all wanted, we all thought we could get,not even close, can you really imagine jails, think about it, we put people behind bars, how am I going to ever love you the way you deserve in a life like this, shower to cover the sweat,drink huge fountain sodas to get a little closer to you on the same ride home, I don't even know how to talk about this,actually I never know how to say anything, but people thought I did, you the labyrinth, you the yellow-brick-road, you the genie, you get three wishes, be careful what you ask for, there is life then there is you, fuck me, fuck airplanes, fuck snow and ice and drunk assholes, these are all the excuses I come up with, I do this on a daily basis, I mean you tell me, what am I suppose to do? You were every colour and some new ones no one had ever saw, you every candy store trip I took as a child feeling rich with a bag full of sugar, baby you make sugar taste like nothing, everything goes bland, there is only you, and maybe I am just trying to hide and stay away cause sometimes,I do not know what to do, sometimes, I am not so good and I can not stand it when you are disappointed in me, see I was great at bowling but only with the bumper lanes, see I was doing this, capable enough to make beautiful things out of the fact that today I am scared, today I am worthless, today I know I spend my life doing things that are pointless that do not make me proud, everyone is like this, I am just honest, a little brave, I am trying to make something for you, I am trying so hard to do what I can with what I have got and I know it is not much but I will come up with ways to make it last, so what I am getting at and also avoiding is I am thinking about light, about the god that does not exist but I feel in my chest, that overload of warm electricty, blood to the brain, the first morning I woke up next to you. I know what heaven would be like and I also know I could not just pass go, that I would have to still be doing this, grinding my teeth away, all my friends,telling me I need to get help, that I am crazy, that they are worried about me, I am one of the most real, most diplomatic people I know, you think my life is great but it is not, roll the dice, double or nothing, love you all, but really you can say you understand but how can you if you are not writing something almost mirror copy, it is one thing to understand, it is another to feel so much you have to scream and whine and cry on a page for your sorry self and everyone loves it but like I said, I already know what it is like to be filled with light, so really nothing I do now matters, it's all a weak initation of what you are, what you showed me, what we shared, turn the light on and off and on and off, I just hope this road leads to you,terrible hair, laundry way past due, electric toothbrush, you are the only thing I need to know, the only thing I need to remember, I am just trying not to love you, it is so hard, we push eachother to the limits and no one can care or love like us, quicksand, riptide, landmine, sucker punch, my tongue in your mouth, tasting your DNA.